MY RADIO PLAY

A FRIEND IN NEED

OR

HAS ANYONE SEEN THE CAT.

An original radio Play by

Jennifer Chambers 
A FANTASY RADIO PLAY FOR THE CHILD IN ALL OF US:

SOME INTERESTING INFORMATION.

This play takes place in the world of Mrs Fixit, who spends most of her time dashing in and out of different time dimensions solving problems.

Mrs Fixit was born -eons ago - with the gift of problem solving- the tag attached to her toes said so in bright gold letters. However in smaller letters was written “but there will be hiccoughs from time to time, in time”.

Mrs Fixit was with Noah, when he had to choose the animals for the ark. She was with Pliny the younger when Vesuvius lost her temper and demolished Pompei and Herculaneum. She was with Hannibal when he crossed the alps and forgot to pack his winter undies. She also had walk on parts in Shakespeare’s plays. She was with Napoleon in Egypt and with Nelson at the battle of Trafalgar.

At this moment in time, however, Mrs Fixit is operating out of number 9 Half Moon Crescent, which also happens to be the residence of a Mrs Alice Overton a retired teacher librarian who lives there on her own - or so she thinks.

The two children, who live next door Bridey  Hawke and her brother George, discovered Mrs Fixit quite by accident while they were doing a little bit of cleaning for Mrs Overton.

While they were exploring the attic, which was so blocked up by junk that even a vacuum cleaner wouldn’t know where to start, they came across a room that had been sent to Mrs Fixit for cockroach clearing. Mrs Fixit was in the middle of clearing the room when she noticed the children. She took them into her confidence and taught them how to “Slide” between dimensions.

The technique of “sliding” involves jumping into the air, moving your feet rapidly in the manner of a ballet dancer and waving your arms high above your head.

Since their meeting with Mrs Fixit, Bridey and George often find themselves in

a place where anything can-and often does happen.

What follows is one such happening!

 

CHARACTERS:

MRS FIXIT: Fixer of problems in other dimensions and good friend of Bridey and George .

BRIDEY HAWKE: 14 year old sister of George

GEORGE HAWKE: 12 year old brother of Bridey

PEREGRINE:      Friend of Mrs Fixit and subject of picture which has one or two problems.

FADE IN

Sounds of storm: whistling wind and claps of thunder plus the crack of lightning. Generally scary type sounds

Intro music. Very dramatic

MUSIC FADES. ANNOUNCER SPEAKS

ANNOUNCER:

Welcome.

Our play sort of begins on a dark and stormy night. It’s a cliché I know, but it really is the only way to create the appropriate atmosphere…

It has just gone 11’o’clock and at number nine Half Moon Crescent the back garden is frighteningly alive with storm activity. Now it is said that lightning does not strike twice. But on this particular evening I believe it struck the old outside toilet at least half a dozen times, resulting in it being lit up like the Sydney Harbour Bridge on New Year’s Eve.

And as for poor Mrs Overton’s back door, well that has been totally reduced to splinters by a very badly aimed flash of lightning…

Our play actually begins in the Hawke household where Bridey Hawke and her brother George are fast asleep somewhere in their bedrooms…

Sounds of phone ringing.

Sounds of footsteps running down a hall.

BRIDEY: 
Hawke residence.

MRS F: 
Hello dear. It’s me, Mrs Fixit!

BRIDEY:

Oh no. What are you doing back? And have you looked at your watch lately?

MRS F:
Had to borrow Mrs Overton again dear - friend in need and all that - and you know

I don’t use watches dear.  I thought I’d explained all that.

BRIDEY:

No Mrs F. Not in my hearing you didn’t. So what’s up?

MRS F:

It’s me friend Mr Peregrine dear. He’s in trouble. 

Needs my help and due to present circumstances -I er need your help...

Sounds of storm.

MRS F. 

Oh my golly goodness can you hear that naughty storm?

BRIDEY:

I can now I’m awake. What was it  you wanted Mrs F?

MRS F:

Told you dear. Need your help. Could you pop over the fence for a few minutes?

BRIDEY:

It is 11.o’clock…If mum and dad...

MRS F:

They won’t dear –don’t worry. Just do a quick slide. Think you can manage that?

BRIDEY:

I don’t know. It’s very late.

Sounds of footsteps pattering on a wooden floor.

GEORGE:

Who’s that?

BRIDEY:

Sh…

MRS F:

Bridey! Yoo Hoo! Are you there?

BRIDEY:
Yes Mrs F I’m still here.

MRS F:

Well do you think you could hurry dear?

BRIDEY: 

Hang on a sec…

Sounds of crackling and buzzing on the phone line. Then it goes dead.

BRIDEY:

shioo..

GEORGE:

That’s swearing.

BRIDEY:
S’not.

GEORGE:

Use a tissue. Ah Ah caught you!

BRIDEY:

One of these days.

GEORGE:

Anyway I read somewhere that swearing can be therapeutic. 

It helps get lots of yucky stuff out of your system.

BRIDEY:

If that’s true prune face you should be swearing 

twenty four hours a day for the rest of your life!

GEORGE:
What did Mrs F want then?

BRIDEY:

One of her “friends” has contacted her and she wants us to go over.

GEORGE:

Now? But it’s the middle of the night

BRIDEY:

Sh!  Whisper can’t you! You’ll wake Mum and Dad. I

 know it’s late but she wouldn’t have phoned if it wasn’t important.

GEORGE:
Oh no? We both know the old biddy’s got no sense of time.

 It doesn’t exist for her like it does for us…

BRIDEY:

Look if you don’t want to come...

GEORGE:

‘Course I want to come. But can we “slide” from here?

 ’Cos it’s dark out there and Mrs Overton’s rose bush is more thorns than rosy in the dark. 

And they stab my delicate bits.

BRIDEY:

Tough! You know there’s not enough height in here to “slide”. Now go and find your strongest pair of jeans and keep quiet.

Sounds of muffled movement and doors opening and closing. Followed by sounds of snoring.

BRIDEY:
Come on. Mum and dad are still asleep - no thanks to you.

GEORGE:

I’m coming.

Sounds of back door opening and closing.

GEORGE:

Are you sure we couldn’t ‘slide’ from here?

BRIDEY:

No we couldn’t. There isn’t enough room George. How many times do I have to tell you?

GEORGE:

How come when we “slide” we actually jump up and down in the air? That is so not right.

BRIDEY:

Mrs F’s rules George - now come on. You  first!

GEORGE:

And that’s not fair either! Just ‘cos I’m a boy.

BRIDEY:

No! It’s not because you’re a boy. It’s because I’m older and bigger than you and that gives me rights. See!

Sounds of scrabbling as George climbs the fence followed by Bridey.

GEORGE:

Ouch!

BRIDEY:

Mind Mrs Overton’s roses.

GEORGE:

Stuff her roses. What about my bum!

BRIDEY:

If I were a rose and I saw your bum heading for me I’d protect myself too. Now come on get over here and hold my hand so I can count…

Sound of whirring.

GEORGE:

I feel like I’ve been in a washing machine for a whole week.

BRIDEY:

You should see your hair. Looks like you got really carried away with my hair gel.

GEORGE:

Hey what happened to Mrs Overton’s back door?

BRIDEY:

This isn’t our dimension remember?

GEORGE:

Yeah-but...

Sounds of footsteps as George and Bridey walk towards the back of Mr Overton’s house. Slight thunder somewhere off in distance...

BRIDEY:

Come on George. We’d better get out of this storm.

MRS F:

Ah there you are dears. Come inside now quickly and don’t trip over Mrs Overton.

GEORGE:

Have you borrowed her body again Mrs F?

MRS F:

Well dear…What she don’t know she won’t miss. Besides it’s only for half an hour or so…

BRIDEY:

What did you do to her back door?

GEORGE:

And how come the outside loo’s lit up like a Christmas tree

MRS F:

Slight mishap that dears. I fear my friend Peregrine’s responsible. 

He gets so carried away sometimes when he fiddles with the forces of nature. I’ve spoken to him many times. Oh my golly goodness yes but I’m afraid that dear Peregrine must have been behind the door when subtlety was handed out. And then of course…there’s his size…

GEORGE:

His size. What d’ya mean. Is he a giant or something?

MRS F:

Oh no dear. Quite the opposite actually…

Sound of meowing.

MRS F:

My golly goodness what on earth is Mr Peebles doing here?

BRIDEY:

Must have been under the rose bush.

MRS F:

Never mind. Just remember to take him back with when you go dears.

Sounds of cat meowing outside.

GEORGE:

He just went outside. Mr Peebles yoo hoo.  Mr Peebles? Mr Peebles?

Sound of dull thump.

GEORGE:

Ouch. Look if you keep thumping that muscle in my arm 

I’m going to suffer permanent damage 

and end up looking like a lop-sided gym-junkie.

BRIDEY:

Oh yeah. Well next time I’ll thump the other arm then they’ll both match. 

Now forget Mr Peebles OK?

GEORGE:

But he might run away and get trapped in this dimension…

BRIDEY:

Yeah and he might want a change of environment too. 

Now shush for a minute will you!

Sounds of Mrs F clearing her throat.

MRS F:
Excuse me dears, have we finished arguing now?

.BRIDEY:

Sorry. So is it another room Mrs F?

MRS F:

I think so dear and I have a feeling it may be under the old toilet. 

There was so much lightning...

BRIDEY:

Under a toilet?

MRS F:
Yes dear. Come along I’ll show you. 

Now if you wouldn’t mind pushing dear and give my hands a bit of a rest like.

Sounds of footsteps and wheelchair wheels squeaking as Bidey, George and Mrs F  head down towards the old toilet at the bottom of Mrs Overton’s garden.

BRIDEY:

Whoa. You want us to look in there?

MRS F:

If you wouldn’t mind dears. There’s no way I could negotiate anything narrower than a freeway in this wheelchair. Now it’s a smidge dark inside. But if I shine the torch you’ll be able see where you’re going.

BRIDEY:

Right George. This is where you get to do the brave boy thing, while I keep watch outside.

GEORGE:

Scaredy cat! OK give me the torch…

Sound of old toilet door creaking open.

GEORGE:

I can’t see a thing in here. 

Hey Mrs F did you forget to change the batteries again?

MRS F:
I don’t think so George dear.

GEORGE:

You sure there’s a toilet in here Mrs F? I can’t …Ouch!

Sounds of cans and bottles clattering and swearing.

MRS F:

Yes dear. Last time I looked it was there – 

and do watch all those cans and bottles dears.

BRIDEY:

When was that? Last century?

MRS F:

Possibly dear. Possibly.

BRIDEY:

Mrs F – I was joking.

MRS F:
Were you dear…?

Sounds of glass breaking.

GEORGE:

Shi…

MRS F:

What was that?

GEORGE:

Don’t worry. It’s only me bleeding to death!

MRS F:

Well spit on it dear. Then rub the saliva into the wound. 

It worked a treat at during the French Revolution and at the battle of Waterloo.

GEORGE:

Hey! I think I’ve found the toil…

Sounds of screaming as George trips.

GEORGE:

Yiowwwww - er -ouch!

BRIDEY:

George!

MRS F:

You’d better see what’s happened dear. 

Here dear take the torch.

Sounds of Bridey knocking over cans and bottles.

BRIDEY
George?

GEORGE:

Down here!

BRIDEY:

Where?

MRS F:

I think you’ll find the voice is coming from inside the er…toilet dear. 

It should be up against the back wall.

Sound of Bridey stubbing her toe on old metal toilet.

BRIDEY:

Inside!

MRS F:

Yes dear.

BRIDEY:

But I thought you said the room was under the toilet not in it!

MRS F:

Did I dear?

BRIDEY:
So the entrance is down Mrs Overton’s old toilet right?

MRS F:

Yes dear. That’s where the voice came from.

GEORGE:
Hey it’s dark and smelly down here!

Sound of torch hitting side of toilet.

BRIDEY:

Yuck! That is so disgusting. When did Mrs Overton last flush this thing?

MRS F:

Oh it isn’t a flushing one dear. It’s one of those hole in the ground thingys. 

But don’t worry. 

Nobody’s used it for nearly fifty years.

BRIDEY:
Are you sure about that Mrs F?

MRS F:

Call it an educated guess dear.

GEORGE:

Hello? I’m still down here. In case anybody’s interested.

BRIDEY:

Hang on George.  I’m trying to work out a way to climb down.

GEORGE:

You could try falling.

MRS F:

I suggest that you just climb down dear

BRIDEY:

Mrs F are you sure there’s a room down there?

MRS F:

Oh my golly goodness yes. 

Just the sort of place Peregrine would choose. 

He has a wicked sense of humour you know.

BRIDEY:

I could think of at least three. So when we find this room. 

What do we do exactly?

MRS F:

You’ll both have to sail by your own shoelaces, I’m afraid.

BRIDEY:

“Sail by our…Oh right! You mean that we have to- Go it alone. 

Work it out for ourselves. Do what we can- that sort of thing. Right Mrs F?

MRS F:
Do I dear? Well whatever dear.

GEORGE:

Bi..rd..y..!

BRIDEY:

Hang on. Hang on. I’ll be there in a sec.

GEORGE:

BI-RD-DY!!!

BRIDEY:

Coming. I just hope there aren’t any cockroaches down there Mrs F…

MRS F:

My bones tell me that cockroaches are currently out of season dear.

BRIDEY:

Well I just hope your bones are right.

MRS F:

Oh they usually are dear. They usually are.

 Now off you go then. I’ll be here waiting. 

Oh…and if you should see Mr Peebles....not that it really matters but he can be a smidge too curious.

BRIDEY:

But I thought that was what being a cat was all about.

MRS F:

Oh Yes dear this is indeed true but there is the saying...

 BRIDEY:
Which one’s that?

MRS F:

The one about “Curiosity killing  the cat.”

And I wouldn't wish any harm to come to Mr Peebles

BRIDEY:

Yeah right... Well I’m off. Wish me luck Mrs F.

MRS F:

Good luck dear!

Sounds of torch scraping against metal as BRIDEY descends into the depths of the old toilet. There are also some other words which might possibly be swear words.

BRIDEY:

Ouch! George?

GEORGE:

Where’ve you been? The moon? 

I could have been kidnapped by an ancient turd 

in the time it took you to get down here.

BRIDEY:

Maybe you were and it replaced your brain without you noticing.

GEORGE:
Very funny.

BRIDEY:
How did you get here anyway?

GEORGE:

I tripped.

BRIDEY:

It’s a long way down. It’s a wonder we aren’t in china!

GEORGE:

There’s a door over there. You got the torch?

BRIDEY:

Yeah. Hang on.

Sounds of BRIDEY shaking the torch to make it work.

BRIDEY:

There…Hey it’s like the door we found on the attic.

GEORGE:

And it’s got a key too. Shall I turn it?

BRIDEY:

Yeah but watch it. We don’t want any nasty shocks.

Sound of key turning in lock.

GEORGE:

Now what?

BRIDEY:

Now we go inside.

GEORGE:

Your turn to go first and I’ll be right here behind you

Sounds of door creaking open.

BRIDEY:

Brrr. It’s cold in here.

GEORGE:

And small. If I my feet were any bigger feet they’d hit that wall…

Sounds of vibration coming from the wall.

GEORGE:

What was that?

BRIDEY:

It came from the wall.

GEORGE:
Shine the torch... It looks like a pict…

Sound of door slamming shut.

GEORGE:

Bridey grab the door!

BRIDEY:
Bugger! It’s locked! And we’re on the wrong side.

Sound of cat meowing.

GEORGE:

Mr Peebles. Oh no!

BRIDEY:
He must have followed us down. Keep an eye on him George.

GEORGE:

Hard to do anything else in a room the size of a micro drive.

Sounds of scurrying and faint screams are coming from the picture.

BRIDEY:

George there are people in that picture and they just moved.

GEORGE:

What?

BRIDEY:

Yeah look!

GEORGE:

So where’s this Peregripe wasn’t he supposed to be here?

BRIDEY:
It’s Peregrine and Mrs F didn’t actually say where he’d be.

Sound of voices chattering and scurrying in picture again and then silence.

GEORGE:

Bridey don’t get too close to the picture. 

The canvas is starting to come away from the frame.

Sounds like masking tape being ripped from a cardboard box as the picture sort of oozes out of its frame.

BRIDEY:
What?

Tearing sounds - getting louder now.

GEORGE:

Bridey what are you doing?

BRIDEY:

I’m not doing anything. It’s the picture.

GEORGE:

Grab my hand!

BRIDEY:

Pull harder!

Sounds like masking tape being ripped from a cardboard box again.

BRIDEY:
What happened?

GEORGE:

I dunno. You OK?

BRIDEY:

I think so. Have I got all my bits?

GEORGE:
All the bits I can see. You’d have to check the hidden bits yourself.

BRIDEY:

That was so not funny.

Sounds of tiny voices calling out. Scurrying and chattering getting louder now.

BRIDEY:

There’s that noise again.

GEORGE:

It’s still coming from the picture.

BRIDEY:

Peregrine’s got to be here somewhere.

PEREGRINE:

Somebody mention my name?

GEORGE:

Who said that?

PEREGRINE:

I did.

BRIDEY:

Uh?

PEREGRINE:

I’m down here. Just don’t tread on me! 

And keep that cat away if you don’t mind.

GEORGE:

You’re a bit small aren’t you?

PEREGRINE:

Yes, well, size isn’t everything you know. Mind if I hop on your hand? 

Thanks. I must say I feel a lot safer up here than down there on cat level. 

Have you come to help us then? I was rather expecting Mrs F.

BRIDEY:

She couldn’t make it. That’s why we’re here.

PEREGRINE:

Well that is most inconvenient - I must say.

BRIDEY:

She couldn’t come even if she wanted to, because the door’s locked.

PEREGRINE:
Is that so?

BRIDEY:

Yes.

PEREGRINE:

Ah-I see …Oh dear. Oh dear.

BRIDEY:
What do you mean “Oh dear Oh dear”?

PEREGRINE:

If only Mrs F were here she’d know what to do…. It’s the spider you see.

GEORGE:

Spider? What spider?

PEREGRINE:

That one there… peering out from the middle of the picture...can’t you see it?

GEORGE:

It’s just a spider - bit hairy though isn’t he?

PEREGRINE:

She…

GEORGE:

What?

PEREGRINE:

The spider is a she.

GEORGE:

Well she’s pretty hairy.

PEREGRINE:

She may be just a spider to you but it’s ruining my portrait. 

Not to mention the fact that my friends are in great danger. See that web?

BRIDEY:

Web?

PEREGRINE:
Up there, in the right hand corner of the picture.

GEORGE:

I see it. Hey there are tiny people wriggling around in it.

PEREGRINE:
Those tiny people - as you call them - are members of my book club. They are also my friends who will shortly be my ex-friends unless I can free them.

GEORGE:

I thought portraits were supposed to be big. We’ve got a portrait of the Prime Minister in the hall at school and it’s enormous.

PEREGRINE:
Well mine’s a miniature – now look I can’t just go back into the picture and help my friends. 

I almost didn’t get out – oh and thank you for the lift by the way. 

But if I go back I’ll be caught by the spider. 

We’ll all be eaten eventually and then there’ll be no picture at all. 

If that happens, oh my goodness -Theodolus Door will be most upset. 

We are his favourite picture after all.

GEORGE:

Who’s Theodolus- whatsisname?

PEREGRINE:

Door. His name is Theodolus Door. He’s the lord of our Shire.

GEORGE:

Oh yeah! Right.

PEREGRINE:

Oh if only Mrs F were here.

BRIDEY:

Well she isn’t.

Tiny sounds of screaming are still coming from the picture.

PEREGRINE:

You must do something!

BRIDEY:

What would Mrs F do? 

GEORGE:

Uh?

BRIDEY:

I’m trying to work out what Mrs F would do.

GEORGE:

Didn’t you ask her?

BRIDEY:

No. I forgot. She did say something about sailing by our own shoelaces though.

GEORGE:

She says some weird things sometimes!

BRIDEY:

She sure does. Now little brother, do you have any suggestions?

GEORGE:

We could get sucked into the picture, like you almost did just now…

BRIDEY:

That’s it! We’ll arrange it so we get sucked into the picture, free those people, and kill the spider and…

GEORGE:

Hang on that was my idea.

BRIDEY:

I’m only borrowing it.

GEORGE:

You’re always borrowing my ideas. How come you never borrow the blame when when I mess up?

BRIDEY:

Because I’m older and bigger than you remember?

PEREGRINE:

Er- hem. Sorry to interrupt but there is a slight problem with that idea.

BRIDEY:

What?

PEREGRINE:

If you go into the picture I’m afraid you would reduce in size. The spider would simply catch you both and…

BRIDEY:

And we’d be food for a rainy day yeah?

GEORGE:

There’s no way I’m ending up as rainy day food for any old spider!

BRIDEY:
Why wouldn’t we be the same size if we went into the picture Peregrine?

GEORGE:

We wouldn’t fit inside the frame …

PEREGRINE:

Well yes that’s true but the rules of transmogrification –that’s what it’s called- state that images coming from a picture must stay the same size, or they would not be able to return to it. It’s really quite logical you know. Mrs F knows all about it. Oh dear why didn’t she come?

BRIDEY:

Because she’s in a wheelchair. She broke her ankle last week doing an advanced slide move and…

PEREGRINE:
But she has magic…

BRIDEY:

Not at the moment she doesn’t. Otherwise she’d be here wouldn’t she? And she wouldn’t have phoned us in the middle of the night would she?

Sounds of loud screams coming from the picture now.

GEORGE:

Bridey! We’ve got to do something now! Look!

PEREGRINE:

Oh no! The spider’s wrapping my friends...Please! Please do something!

BRIDEY:

If we could just  find another way to get into the picture.

GEORGE:

Come on Bridey… you’re the one with the ideas. Think!

BRIDEY:

I am thinking!

Sounds of screaming getting louder.

BRIDEY:

I’ve got it! George undo your belt.

GEORGE:

What! No way! My pants’ll fall down.

BRIDEY:

Well you shouldn’t wear such baggy ones should you?

GEORGE:

All the kids wear them.

BRIDEY:

Ok! Ok! Look if they fall down they fall down! I know what you look like under your clothes anyway.

PEREGRINE:

If you could speed things up a little…please!

BRIDEY:

George, stick Peregrine in one of your pockets …

PEREGRINE:

Not a trouser pocket if you don’t mind…

BRIDEY:

And give me one end of your belt George…

GEORGE:
And the other…?

BRIDEY:

Hold on to it of course! I’ll climb into the picture and run over to the web and grab the people stuck in it…

GEORGE:

And then?

BRIDEY:

You pull me out. Right?

GEORGE:

But what about the spider?

BRIDEY:

You’ll have to distract it somehow  or she might follow me out of the picture.

GEORGE:

There are some dead flies under the picture. I’ll grab a couple of them and throw them into the web.

PEREGRINE:

Oh do hurry!

BRIDEY:

Don’t worry Peregrine. It’ll work.

PEREGRINE:

Well if you think so.

BRIDEY:

It has to. You ready George?

GEORGE:

I guess so but if my pants fall down...

BRIDEY:

They won’t. Now hang on to the belt.

GEORGE:

Right.

BRIDEY:

Got it?

GEORGE:
Yeah.

BRIDEY:

And don’t let go or I’ll never speak to you again!

Sounds of GEORGE giggling.

GEORGE:

Promise?

BRIDEY:

 Watch it!

GEORGE:

Only joking.

Sounds like masking tape or cello tape being ripped off cardboard box.

BRIDEY:

I’m in. But I’ll have to let go of the belt. It’s too heavy. 

I’ll leave it here –in front of the fire-right? Now. Can you see me?

GEORGE:
Yeah, but you’re miles away from the web!

BRIDEY:

Bugger! I’ll have to climb up somehow.

PEREGRINE:

You might try the armchair in front of the fire. It’s got excellent springs.

GEORGE:

Do it Bridey. And head for the mantelpiece. Then you’ll be close to the web.

Sounds of sproing as BRIDEY jumps up and down.

GEORGE:

Yikes!  the spider’s the same size as you are. Watch out!...

BRIDEY:

I’m almost there…

GEORGE:

It’s spotted you. Hurry!

BRIDEY:

George throw the flies into the web…now!

Scuttling sounds as spider heads towards BRIDEY.

BRIDEY:

One more to grab. Got you.

Sounds of Sproing again as BRIDEY drops down into the armchair.

GEORGE:

Hurry! The spider’s eaten the flies. She’s heading straight for you. Grab the belt buckle!

BRIDEY:

It’s too heavy. I can’t lift it. Oh come on you people. Help me out here! Grab the buckle please!

Sounds of heaving and murmuring.

BRIDEY:

Okay George pull us out. Pull us out now!

Sounds like masking tape again and half a dozen soft plops like tennis balls hitting a grass court.

GEORGE:

You all right?

BRIDEY:

Did I get everybody?

PEREGRINE:

I can’t see from in here…wait a minute…let’s see. Mm…Yes that’s all of them.

GEORGE:

Hey watch where you’re treading Big Foot.

BRIDEY:

Oops. Sorry.

GEORGE:

Come on you lot better come up here with me. 

Mr Peebles is still around somewhere. 

Hey Bridey can I have my belt back?

BRIDEY:

How come the belt didn’t shrink like I did?

GEORGE:

Probably something to do with it being inanimate.

BRIDEY:

What?

Sounds of faint scuttling

GEORGE:

Do you realize that the spider was the same size as you!

BRIDEY:
Yeah. When I was bouncing on the armchair I saw its reflection in the mirror above the fireplace.

PEREGRINE:

It is still in there you know and while it is we can’t possibly return to the picture.

BRIDEY:

George give me your belt again.

GEORGE:

What?

BRIDEY:

Just give me your belt.

GEORGE:

But…

Sounds of scuffling as BRIDEY grabs the belt and throws it into the picture.

BRIDEY:

Come on hairy legs…come on…

Sounds of scuffling as the spider grabs the belt buckle followed by sounds like masking tape being pulled off cardboard.

GEORGE:

Hey!

BRIDEY:

Oh No! You didn’t say it was a jumping spider Peregrine!

GEORGE:

And you didn’t say it would be ten times bigger outside the picture.

PEREGRINE:

Sorry. I forgot to tell you that the reduction rule only applies to people. 

For insects and animals it works both ways.

BRIDEY:

Oh No! Peregrine! Where are you?

PEREGRINE:

Right here behind you.

Sound of spider scuttling.

BRIDEY:
Quick you lot. Get on my hand. George grab them.

GEORGE:

Got ‘em. Now what?

BRIDEY:

Hang on. Where’s the torch?

GEORGE:

You’d better do something quick. The spider’s heading straight for the pocket in my shirt!

Sounds of scuttling getting louder.

GEORGE:

Get the torch!

BRIDEY:

Got it! Now you slimy piece of dog doo, get away from my friends!

Sound of squealing followed by a loud squelching sound

BRIDEY:

The thing about big spiders is they that they make a big  mess!

Sounds of faint applause and cheering.

BRIDEY:

Is everybody okay?

PEREGRINE:
My goodness that was a little too close for comfort. Why the spider might have bitten you …

GEORGE:

Yeah. But it didn’t did it? Is it dead Bridey?

BRIDEY:

If a pile of yucky mush indicates lack of life then it’s dead.

Sounds of cheering and applause coming from George's shirt pocket.

PEREGRINE:

Thank you so much for saving my portrait…and my friends.

BRIDEY:

But the picture… Everything’s fading. The chair; the fireplace…

GEORGE:

The web’s still there though.

PEREGRINE:

Oh dear. That must not happen!  The picture must have people or it will vanish.

We’d better get back in. Come on everybody. Quickly please!  George, if you wouldn’t mind holding us a little closer to the picture, we’ll do the rest. And thank you so much again. Give my best to Mrs F when you see her. Goodbye!

Sounds like masking tape etc and chattering.

BRIDEY:

Well they’re back in the picture.

GEORGE:

Yeah and look at Peregrine.

BRIDEY:

Where?

GEORGE:

There, leaning against the fireplace with a book in his hand.

BRIDEY:

Yeah, but I don’t think the others are listening- look they’re waving at us.

GEORGE:

And there’s no sign of the spider or the web.

BRIDEY:

I think you were right about the portrait. It does seem a bit small.  

He did say it was a miniature though, didn’t he?

GEORGE:

Hey Bridey look.

BRIDEY:

What?

GEORGE:

 There on the mat. In front of the fire …

BRIDEY:

Mr Peebles!

GEORGE:

How’d he get in there?

Sound of door creaking open.

GEORGE:

The door’s opening.

BRIDEY:

Good. That means it's time to go. Come on.

GEORGE:

But what about Mr Peebles? Shouldn’t we get him?

BRIDEY:

Why? He seems quite happy there. Come on let’s get out of here.

Sounds of scrambling as Bridey and George make their way back up and out of the toilet.

BRIDEY:

OK. Now to report to Mrs F.

Sounds of wheelchair wheels squeaking.

MRS F:

Hello! My golly goodness that was quick.

BRIDEY:

O yeah? It felt like forever to me!

GEORGE:

We found a room and there was this picture and a …

MRS F:

Not so fast George dear. Slow down. 

Now I suggest we all go back up to the house 

and then you can tell me all about it over a mug of hot chocolate.

Sounds of wheelchair squeaking and footsteps heading towards the house.

GEORGE:

You didn’t find Mrs Overton’s back door then?

MRS F;

Unfortunately no my dears. I’m afraid it was reduced to splinters.

 But not to worry Mrs Overton can use it as kindling for her fire next winter.

BRIDEY:

But what's she going to do for a door?

MRS F: 

Oh well. Perhaps your dad will pop round tomorrow and hang a new one.

BRIDEY:

Storm’s gone too?

MRS F:

Oh my golly goodness yes dear, one last roar of thunder and poof! It vanished. 

But not before blowing me a rather rude sounding raspberry. 

Peregrine has such a sense of humour.

GEORGE:

And the lightning?

MRS F:

A flash about as bright as the tiniest distant star dear, and it vanished too.

GEORGE:

Did it blow a raspberry as well?

MRS F:

No but I did feel a slight zap on the end of my nose.

BRIDEY:

So that’s it then? We just go home now huh?

MRS F:

Yes but have your hot chocolate first dear.

Sound of chairs being scraped across the floor and mugs clattering.

MRS F:

There you are. Now drink up.

BRIDEY:

Mrs F?

MRS F:

Yes dear.

BRIDEY:

Mr Peebles got into the picture somehow.

MRS F:

Did he dear?

GEORGE:

Yes I thought we should get him but she said…

MRS F:

I wouldn’t worry too much about Mr Peebles.

BRIDEY:

But won't you miss him?

MRS F:

Of course but he's always done his "own thing" Isn't that you young people say? 

You mustn’t worry about Mr Peebles. 

 I think he’ll be more than happy with my friend Peregrine.

BRIDEY:

You knew what would happen in that room didn’t you?

MRS F:

Yes dear. How’s the hot chocolate, by the way? Is it sweet enough?

BRIDEY:
Why didn’t you tell us?

GEORGE:

We were nearly ‘rainy day’ food for a hairy spider Mrs F!

MRS F:

Were you dear?  I would never have asked you to do something if I didn’t think that you could manage it. You cleared the picture didn’t you? And my friend Peregrine will be forever grateful to you both.

GEORGE:
Does that mean that the picture isn’t in the room any more?

MRS F:
The picture will always be in the room…

BRIDEY:

You mean the room isn’t there any more right?

MRS F:

That’s right dear.

GEORGE:

Where’s it gone?

MRS F:

Back where it belongs, I should think dear; Into its own dimension. And if I remember correctly Peregrine’s portrait hangs in Theodolus Door’s house, which is somewhere off to the right a little-or is it off to the left.  I get the directions mixed up sometimes. Anyway you can be sure the picture is back where it belongs. And now if you’ve finished your chocolate I think it’s time for you both to leave. I think that Mrs Overton is about to wake up and it wouldn’t do for her to find you, or me, here so late at night now would it?

BRIDEY:
Yeah. Guess you’re right. Come on George. Thanks for the chocolate Mrs F.

MRS F:

You’re welcome dear. Now you might as well slide from here. That way you’ll avoid Mrs Overton’s rose bush.

GEORGE:

Great. That means Mrs Overton’s thorns won’t attack my bum!

MRS F:

Exactly dear.  Now off you go or you’ll be late for your breakfast.

GEORGE:

Uhh?

MRS F:

Of you go. Until next time. Goodbye my dears. Goodbye!

Sound of whirring.

NARRATOR:

And so that is where we leave BRIDEY, GEORGE and the unusual MRS F. But I have a feeling that they’ll be back. In the meantime keep an eye on any unusual storm activity in your area and keep an eye out too, for an unusual lady called MRS F...Bye!

THE END.