Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Experience word for the day. 1. Sackee

When I was a "born again" christian,  some 40 years ago, 
I read a section of scripture every day.
This daily reading came from a little booklet
issued by the Scripture Union organisation. 
I used to be uplifted and transported by those readings, 
so much so that very often 
I wasn't able to concentrate on my job in the real world!
 It was during this period that I received the "sack" on a regular basis. 
I can't count the number of jobs I had back then.
But what I do know for sure is that I became a very experienced "Sackee".
As a writer being a "sackee" is a useful experience. 
It prepared me for all the rejection slips that fluttered through my letterbox!
Today's author is Jeanette Winterson
Why?
Because like me, she was adopted.

Friday, November 11, 2011

CLIVE IS NOT A NAME FOR A KINGLY MAN


Clive is not a name for a kingly man. It holds no sense of power.
And also Kings are rarely seen carrying a flower.
When his father died at ninety-five young Clive became the king,
Which wasn’t very positive considering everything.
Clive walked around his kingdom handing flowers out right and left.
And when his mother saw him she really was bereft.
‘Why can’t you wave a sword’ she wailed, ‘Like noble kings of old.
That way, at least, the folk might think that you are brave and bold.’
But Clive was neither brave nor bold. He didn’t have a clue.
He’d missed the "brave and boldness bit" ‘cos he’d been reading in the Loo.
Besides our Clive liked gardening and mostly spent his days
Chatting to the bugs and things and studying their ways.
He had no time for kingly things like making laws and stuff.
He left that to the palace staff, which was not quite good enough.
Sure, the kingdom had a king but there was no law and order.
The country was in chaos and just across the border
A widowed king was watching just waiting for his chance.
He got his men together and he did a merry dance.
‘Very soon I’ll visit and I’ll make Clive’s land my own.
I’ll kill that soppy stupid king and then I’ll take his throne.’
Now this King had a daughter who was rather fond of Clive.
And she had plans for both of them-but she needed him alive.
So one morning very early she crossed to Clive’s domain
And told him of her father’s plans - she made it very plain.
‘Look you’ve got a sort of problem and you must do something fast!
Or your kingdom and your flowers and you, simply will not last!’
‘Oh I don’t know,’ said Clive bemused, ‘the garden’s doing fine
‘And mum’s just put the washing out. It’s hanging on the line.’
‘Now see here Clive my dad’s out there and he’s planning to attack.
 Why don’t you simply kidnap me, then refuse to hand me back?’
Clive didn’t get the message - he really was quite thick.
He stuck a finger to his head and gave his curls a flick.
‘Why would your dad attack us we haven’t any money,’
‘Because he thinks your kingdom is a land of milk and honey!’
‘But the cows are not producing and the bees have lost their Queen.’
‘You silly nong,’ said Alice, ‘that’s not quite what I mean.
 On second thoughts just marry me. I’ve always fancied you.
Maybe then he won’t attack and you won’t be in the pooh.’
Clive waved a flower at her and took her by the hand.
‘Alice I cannot wed you yet. I trust you understand.’
But understand the girl did not and made her feelings clear.
She grabbed the flower from him and she whacked him on the ear.
‘Now look,’ sobbed Clive, ‘at what you’ve done.’
As he grabbed the battered flower.
‘I’ll have to pick another one and that’ll take an hour!’
Alice swore and crossed her eyes. She’d really had enough.
Fed up she was with being nice and similar girly stuff.
Then, in her peripheral vision, she saw behind a tree
A man dressed up in priestly clothes who’d stopped to have a pee.
‘Excuse me! When you’ve finished would you do your priestly thing.
It will only take a second and I’ve got this gorgeous ring.’
‘I can’t do that,’ the priest replied ‘Clive needs his mum’s permission.’
‘Oh yes you can,’ our Alice said, ‘or you’ll spend your life in prison.’
She knew this crafty, naughty priest and knew of his ghastly deeds,
Like stealing from the parish and his motive? Simply greed.
The priest knew not that Alice knew so he ummed and ahhed a bit
Then said  ‘I’ve come to take you home you silly little twit.’
Alice, angry, grabbed the priest and held him by the throat.
‘I know the naughty things you’ve done you horrible, grotty goat.
Priest- brain was working overtime his options now were thin.
He’d sell is Gran for fifty cents just to save his slimy skin.
‘No-one round here can touch me. ‘Cos we’re in a foreign land
And here the laws are different. And you must simply understand...’
‘Oh No! Dear Mr Priesty man I  know the things you’ve done
And it’s no good looking round you. There is nowhere you can run.’


Then sounds of raucous yelling made her turn and there she saw
Clive’s mum bearing down on them with guards that numbered four.
The priest tried hard to run away he knew the game was up.
‘Oh no you don’t. You’ve done your dash. You traitorous sniveling pup!
‘Guards kindly grab this naughty priest and pin him to the spot
‘And as for you,’ she said to Clive, ‘You’ll marry now you clot!’
A guard stood on the priest's big feet: another held his nose.
A third one looked at Clive and smiled and handed him a rose.
‘I know that you likes flowers and I just wants to say
That I loves going to a wedding. It really, really makes my day.’
‘Erhem! Excuse,’ said Alice, ‘but if you lot don’t mind,
Could we just do the marriage thing - and leave the schmaltz behind.’
The priest at spear-point married them and when the deed was done,
Clive’s mum sighed, and clapped her hands and gazed at the setting sun.
‘Right, off you go and fix things in this chaotic land of ours
And try to change Clive’s habit of smelling every single flower.
‘Don’t you worry mum-in law you can leave it up to me.
He’ll do his kingly duties. Just you wait and see.’
But first I’ve got to tell me dad and hope I’ve saved the day.
‘Come on Clive grab your horse and we’ll be on our way.’
Clive’s mum waved and bade farewell then turned towards the priest.
‘As for you it’s off to prison and a bread and water feast,’
When Alice told her dad the news he called a halt to war.
‘I cannot take his kingdom now that he’s my son-in-law.’
And deep inside he was quite pleased his girl had married Clive.
No bloodshed. No violence and she’d captured him alive!
Later he and Clive’s mum married and the kingdoms became one.
A very good decision that was well received by everyone.
Clive and his brand new dad-in law took turns at being King
Which turned out really positive considering everything.
They built a massive greenhouse and grew exotic plants
And they made a tidy fortune by exporting them to France.
The priest went as a missionary somewhere overseas
Where he was gobbled up by lions, who’d been driven mad by fleas.
And the people of the kingdom? Well they weren’t really that surprised
At any of the doings of a kingly man named Clive.
THE END.

Monday, November 7, 2011

THE GAP YEAR

There is one gap year per life
BUT
You can take it at any point
During that life!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

What a lovely day it was today!

What a lovely day it was today
Nobody did find their way
Towards my bloody blog
Might as well be a frog.
To Canberra I've been and went
That's where our pollies sort of meant
To spend time making rules
Upon their ship of fools.